In this guide, we will show you everything you need to know about how to accept a relationship is over, so keep reading!
Below you can find out 5 different methods to accept a relationship is over,
- Method 1 – How Do I Accept The Fact That It’S Over? @Susan Winter
- Method 2 – How To Get Over The End Of A Relationship | Antonio Pascual-Leone | Tedxuniversityofwindsor
- Method 3 – How To Accept When It’s Over
- Method 4 – Accepting Not Accepting The Relationship Is Over
- Method 5 – The 5 Signs Your Relationship Is Over
Method 1 – How Do I Accept The Fact That It’S Over? @Susan Winter
Note – This section will be updated soon.
Method 2 – How To Get Over The End Of A Relationship | Antonio Pascual-Leone | Tedxuniversityofwindsor
My name is antonio pasquale leone im a clinical psychologist and i do research on psychotherapy and especially on how. Emotion changes im gonna talk today about how to get over the end of a relationship if youve had an. Important relationship and you felt a bit stuck on how to move on maybe you have some lingering bad feelings. All right some emotional baggage lets call it unfinished business right if thats going on this talk is for you.
Okay so sometimes you know it could be grieving the death of a person close to you sometimes its moving. On when theres been a betrayal or abuse it could be with a friend a co-worker a parent and of. Course romantic breakups basically cover the whole range right from pretty straightforward but painful to very complicated most people think. That moving on is just a matter of time people come to therapy and they they ask me so how. Long is this gonna take how much time needs to passed i was speaking with a guy who was getting.
Divorced for the second time and and he says to me so i say how are you doing and he. Says well you know i i wish it was two years from now why because thats how long it took. Me last time to get over it and that idea is fairly common people think that the bad feeling will. Just sort of run its course but if you feel devastated and theres or theres being a betrayal then yeah. Not so much right its not gonna be as simple as sleeping off a bad hangover right for some people.
This process is really frozen in time theres actually a lot of research on this now but its an odd. Thing to study because its hard to know what to call this in an early treatment study led by les. Greenberg at york university they actually just put up signs saying do you have emotional baggage related to a relationship. Right do you need help with your unfinished business and then they just sort of sat patiently by the phone. Wondering if anyone would call because because its not even a diagnosis right its just a metaphor well it turns.
Out the phone started ringing off the hook so its a very intuitive and common problem when we do research. Like this we usually offer free therapy for people who agree to being studied and then you spend a lot. Of time looking at what people do that seems to predict getting better some people are skeptical at the research. Right often i get isnt it totally different for everyone and the answer is well no not not as different. As you might think it turns out people who resolve these issues often go through three distinct steps and they.
Actually unfold in an order although its sort of a messy nonlinear two steps forward one step backward process im. Saying there seems to be a universal pattern there is a map when people have unfinished business there are three. Things that must happen a sequence of steps and the thing is you can get stuck anywhere in that pipeline. The good news the good news is we also know a bit about how to get people unstuck from each. Of those spots so the first step is something like this for example a businesswoman takes on a junior partner.
And she really invests a lot in mentoring her they work well together its productive and then for some reason. The junior partner cuts out ditches the projects she wants to work more independently so its a business scenario right. But the point is that it was a close relationship and collaborative relationship that ended abruptly and if youve invested. A lot personally it can feel a bit like getting dumped the business woman tells me about industry conventions things. Like that and she and she says i just cringe like what if shes there itll be so awkward i.
Dont know and when she says i dont know thats pretty important so the issue is we dont go there. We just avoid the issue its like the person thinks they can wait it out as if there was a. Storm passing overhead but while youre avoiding the issue not too much can change so get in there keep breathing. Tolerate some exposure to the feelings until you start to feel okay with this new normal of course i mean. The reason why we avoid the person or reminders is because its upsetting theres usually a sense of very global.
Distress right its like im so upset and i dont know why its so awful but but whats it whats. The worst part of it and the person usually doesnt know typically people have a lot of sadness and anger. Except its all fused together like a big ugly ball of childrens plasticine right except where all the colors are. Just mashed together huh anger anger makes you push your chest out right like this while sadness you kind of. Withdraw you pull back so when youre trying to do both at the same time thats what stuck looks like.
Usually it comes out in a sort of whining complaint like right that sort of thing you need to take. Some time to tease these apart find the right words and describe whats so awful or awkward or hard about. It some people get much more stuck on blaming right they get angry and its all about rejecting the other. Person its like im disgusted i hate him for what he did to me shes so terrible and thats all. About what you dont want its not about what you do want its its just not that thats its get.
Away which actually could be a good start particularly when theres been abuse or when your boundaries have been violated. But you cant stay there forever you still have to move on to the next step and in since you. Havent even arrived at the deeper issue yet so what to do slow down where where does it hurt maybe. At the end of a romantic relationship its the way she looked down her nose at me okay so what. Did that make you feel right someone who described the last time she ever saw her father tells me he.
Threw a pack of cigarettes across the table at me and said there thats the last thing youll ever get. From me wow okay so whats the message being implied here yeah it hurts but what hurts is still implicit. If you want to get past feeling upset empty lonely in these very general ways then you have to take. The time to focus on your feelings the feelings that you have and figure out what hurts the most that. Takes us to the second step and it might you know this might not apply to everyone but for some.
People the end of a relationship leaves them a bit bent out of shape hmm and this second step you. Get stuck because whatever happened jabbed you right in your soft spot right your achilles heel the end of the. Relationship rocked you in some sort of way it stirred up some deeper older uglier feelings i remember i remember. The first time i really had my heart broken i was young and i couldnt figure out why the relationship. Was ending and then she says like a mercy killing right you just you just arent good at getting stuff.
Done because i also already had my own insecurities about that in it stirred up those those self doubts i. Felt like it was a bit true and so that left a mark for most people who get stuck they. End up blaming themselves whatever happened was my fault maybe i deserved to be mistreated or neglected or as i. Was saying you start doubting yourself its true i am incompetent unlovable uninteresting you pick your personal poison here a. Woman who discovered she was being cheated on tells me how she felt like a naive idiot she says she.
Felt humiliated people get stuck in this particular way theyre not avoiding theyre not bewildered like in the first step. Right you see its that they get caught beating themselves up about something related to the relationship so how do. You know if youre stuck in this place well you feel vulnerable and broken but its also familiar in a. Way its the same old story youve been here before the truth is some people will actually slide right through. This they just they just arent as vulnerable whereas for others especially when its tied to history of abuse or.
Neglect it feels like this is the story of their life this is where people get depressed anxious they lose. Sleep what to do what to do so to work through this second step you really have to go through. The eye of the storm right the way out is to get a sense of what you really need i. Mean an existential need they need to feel valuable to feel loveable obviously its hard not to feel like a. Piece of garbage when somebody takes you out with a trash right but as you start to articulate whatever you.
Most deeply need as a living being it actually creates it creates a contradiction in you its sort of like. I need to feel cared for valuable i and yeah i can feel it in my bones right and yet. Here i am in a pile of trash on the curb its a contradiction right right and thats where change. Starts to happen what do you most deeply need even if you dont feel entitled to it spell it out. Heres an important point its not what you need from that specific person right its its not its what you.
Do need to flourish as a human so this is for you its not about them its not i need. Him to apologize i need who to hurt her to admit what happened no no its its i need to. Feel like i matter i need that somebody has my back that im a priority useful worthy of course heres. The problem life didnt turn out that way did it you got hurt you got mistreated maybe betrayed or or. You just lost someone so the third step is where you actually go back to how the relationship ended maybe.
You were maybe youre pissed off and you hate him and you want to guess you want to burn all. His stuff okay but what are you fighting for im fighting for my dignity my value my sense of myself. Is someone whos fun funny lovable it goes back to the need so you often have to assert yourself in. Some way and that usually comes in a healthy anger a woman who survived a really predatory relationship an abusive. Relationship she says to me she says i got a lot of love to give and when i love i.
Love hard so thats worth something even if he didnt notice it assertion but when it comes to feeling hurt. In relationships anger and sadness are often two sides of the same coin one sees this in romantic breakups all. The time right youve been let down youre disappointed and youre angry but now that youve created some distance you. Kind of kind of miss the person – right and and then you flip-flop back and forth between assertive anger. And grieving the loss both are true two sides of the same coin still its important to experience each of.
These in their own right grieving a loss is a healthy process its hard to move on and enjoy a. New horizon and life if if you havent let go whats behind you and even if youre the one who. Ended the relationship right theres still a loss because when you started it you were hopeful nobody planned on the. Relationship ending when we work through grief we usually focus on the good things the things we enjoyed right well. Never get together again for a first swim for a barbecue no more wednesday family dinners yeah you have to.
Say goodbye to these things and actually put up little tombstones for them but one of the reasons people have. Trouble finishing the grief process is because theyre actually so many undeclared losses these are these are the hopes the. Dreams right that you had together when couples split up for example sometimes sometimes they imagine what it would be. Like to have children together right children that now will never be born and for the the business partnership that. Fell apart these are all the unfinished projects that will never materialize when i was doing therapy with a man.
An inmate in prison he knew his partner had already left him while he was serving time so he was. Like well well never go on that holiday together the one we were saving up for the trip we kept. All those brochures for so goodbye to that similarly when someone dies there usually are a lot of things left. Undone that that will never be finished what to do in the third step you just need to follow and. Express the healthy need this shoe to explore is what do you resent and then what do you miss remember.
If you dont know what youre fighting for the specifics then its probably not adaptive and grief its not just. About feeling sad its about identifying specific losses so this third step is about using emotion to help organize you. In a healthy way going back to how we started this is where maybe maybe it is a matter of. Time right healthy emotion has a vitality curve it it emerges and you feel it and you express it and. Then youre done right you say goodbye and life looks different now you have to finish the feeling going through.
That is the last step sometimes were doing these things even without knowing it which is great thats the upside. Right the downside is that we get stuck and we dont even know why we dont know where were getting. Stuck but this is actually part of healthcare research and its being studied there is a unique solution to each. Sticking point finally how does it all end right if you are depressed then treatment should make you not depressed. But if your problem is unfinished business what does a good ending look like what counts as a good outcome.
There are three viable outcomes to this whole thing okay number one well either you forgive someone and you reconcile. Basically you get back together number two you forgive them but you dont reconcile right you forgive them meaning you. Give up the grudge you had thats what forgiveness is but you decide not to reconcile its like forgive but. Dont forget you let go and you move on and number three you dont forgive you dont reconcile but its. Still a good outcome its like holding the other person accountable right which often comes with the shift in power.
And seeing the other person in a very different light last thing last thing just like when you get a. Bruise or a cut on your skin right even when you arent stuck there is a minimum amount of time. It takes to heal so time is part of it after all thank you and good luck with your unfinished. Business.
Method 3 – How To Accept When It’s Over
Choices ancient anxious avoidant trap been studying through you three years still cant file for divorce she wont go to. Counseling will they ever feel comfortable in making that decision well i guess i would i would need to know. Why youre not comfortable in making that decision it means you cant file for divorce she wont go to counseling. So youre clinging she doesnt she doesnt want to engage and making it work shes done well i mean this.
Isnt really a decision for you to make shes made it and she doesnt want it so so the decision. Now that that you actually its not about getting divorced or not getting divorced the divorce happened youre its really. More about youre deciding to accept that its happened and maybe signing the paper is a form of acceptance for. You and youre unwilling to accept it right so so that becomes an inner discussion about why am i not. Accepting this what does it mean when i think about the feeling i get when i imagine signing those divorce.
Papers and accepting that my life isnt going to go on that trajectory anymore what are the beliefs that are. Stimulated within me right my life has gone horribly wrong nobody else is ever gonna love me you know she. Was the one and now ill i am doomed to live a life to die alone right and if the. Basis of those fears are like well so what if you die alone does that mean you cant live a. Grand exciting and fulfilling life right up until that moment does that mean that your death cant be splendid so.
So part of it is taking a look at you know the fear you know we pre occupy ourselves with. I want the relationship to work and bah bah bah bah bah but we forget the quality of experience and. Also sometimes we discount the fact that other people have free will and you know it sounds like youre trying. To force something isnt happening and it its its you honestly the decision that youre focusing on is not the. Decision that you have to make thats already been made for you and by preoccupying yourself with the idea that.
Thats the decision you have to make youre distracting yourself from the decision you really have to make which is. To accept the way things are so i dont know i hope that makes sense once you can take a. Look at what your resistance to accepting the way things are maybe then thats when youll probably become a bit. Unstuck but thats not to say its not gonna be painful thats not gonna thats not to say that there. Arent gonna be some things stimulated for you that are difficult to integrate but i have a tendency to accept.
That everything that happens in life is for our greatest good and if that is the basic premise upon which. I build my life then that means everything that happens in my experience even if it is a painful or. Different disappointing experience i need to rewrite that narrative to make that essential premise true so if this disappointing experience. Is in service of the best thing that could be happening to me right now then what would have to. Be true of this experience for me in my own life it has been that well these painful experiences have.
Opened me up to such a deeper level of empathy that i can sit here on a call like this. And answer questions about love and relationships to an extent that people feel like they are seen they feel like. They are understood and they experience a sense of catharsis might be too strong of a word but maybe they. Experience a sense of resonance when they hear me voicing something out loud and when that resonance comes up for. Them they cant help but feel moved to to evolve in some way i mean that is thats like my.
My essential thats what i thats a set thats what i drive my sense of meaning and purpose from is. Being able to speak my truth well enough that other people recognize their truths in it too and so then. That in essence gives them permission to step more deeply into their truth even if it means that they have. To allow for uncomfortable feelings or you know painful feelings right hello my name is briana mac william and i. Hope youve enjoyed watching this video if you like what youve seen and you want to learn more about attachment.
Styles and how to call in the soul-shaking passionate partnerships you want make sure to comment like and subscribe to. My channel attachment and adult relationships for updates and weekly video releases.
Method 4 – Accepting Not Accepting The Relationship Is Over
Today i accept the limitations that i have with acceptance im going to accept just how resistant i am to. Letting this old story go this old relationship letting you go letting us go im accepting my moodiness my irritability. And my shortsightedness i accept just how unwilling i am to see things differently to shift my perspective or even. Inquire about the possibility for change i accept the impossible nests my immobility and the disappointment of having no more.
Options i accept that im not ready to accept that im at the end of my rope im not moving. Im not softening im not letting my guard down and i accept that im not entertaining other sides of the. Story im not going to see you in a different light or let him any of your basic goodness as. A human being or any of our good times together today its all about blame and i accept that im. Really just outright irritated and fed up with it all fed up with you and this i can accept i.
Accept that i make it all about you and that you carry the burden of our shared failed relationship i. Also accept all the judgments and conclusions that i find looping in my head i accept the broken record quality. Of my minds looping and looping and looping i accept how exhausting it is to only focus on this one. Area of my life and knew to neglect other areas and to neglect other people and to neglect other relationships. I also accept the incessant chatter of blame and how it provokes righteous contempt you better believe im the better.
Person i accept that i build mice of up by tearing you down sometimes i feel nasty sometimes i am. Nasty in my thinking and i accept this there is acceptance that i will continue to poke at the history. Of our relationship and poke at the situation and poke at the details and to poke at you and revisit. Conversations in my head imagine conversations that never happened to the point that the memories in the details will become. So full of holes i will not be able to make sense of it anymore i accept that i am.
Rewriting history to make myself feel better because i cannot face this grief i am creating a story so full. Of extremes and at your expense because i need to talk myself out of still wanting you and wanting to. Be with you and wanting this relationship i accept that i am choosing to confuse myself in this way i. Accept that im putting my life on hold i accept that i am not willing to move or pretend it. Will all just be okay today i accept that it is not all okay i accept my denial of crushing.
Grief i accept that im trying to out smart heartbreak i really just want to scream my head off and. Act like im losing my better self into a tantrum of missing out being deprived and being betrayed and its. All your fault i accept that i make you responsible for my feelings and my emotions im not getting what. I want and i accept that i cannot handle that fact i am going to keep telling myself that i. Was betrayed and screwed over because thats what i want to do i accept that its going to be everyone.
Elses fault for a while and mostly yours mostly your fault i accept that youre the bad person and that. I get to be the good person i accept that i need to make you out to be the demon. So that i can be the saint i accept that i need this victim identity right now because im not. Ready to take responsibility for what happened from my participation for my choices and lack of choices for lying to. Myself making excuses and then pretending that you would magically change and pretending that it was solely your job to.
Change i accept that im not taking responsibility for my lifes choices i accept my lack of responsibility here i. Accept that im not going to look at my participation and co-creation of our relationship mess also i accept that. I will tell myself this betrayal narrative for a really long time maybe months maybe years i unapologetically accept that. I will stay bitter and turn sour for some time even if it means shutting more people out of my. Life and keeping myself disconnected from others i accept that im denying reality that this relationship is over and in.
Fact ended a long time ago i will suspend this reality and instead enter a pseudo reality where i will. Keep imagining things must be different must be different will be different one day they will be different if only. You change if only you admit the truth if only you admit how you are a broken screwed-up person who. Finally wants to change through a declaration of loving me i accept that living in denial is how i grieve. I accept that im holding out for a savior fantasy i accept that i will continue to demand things turn.
Out differently and watch life pass me by i make these impossible demands i accept that i am not accepting. How things turned out i accept that im going to miss out on today and miss out on the life. That im choosing not to live im choosing to shut down possibility and shut down the potential for my future. And i accept this choice that ive made because id rather stay stuck in this impossible place of not getting. What i want instead of facing the haunting grief isolation absence and fear of aloneness brought on by yet another.
Failed relationship today i accept these limitations that i have with acceptance thank you for listening im alan robarge a. Relationship coach and a psychotherapist and what exactly have you been listening to well im writing a book over the. Years i created a number of blog posts and articles and pulling them all together assembling them and im going. To be launching a new book and if you want to be notified of the launch if you want to. Get on the list of updates then theres information here to sign up please sign up and when the book.
Is complete you will be notified of that also subscribe to this youtube channel if you like this video this. Kind of content my other videos please subscribe and then also i receive a lot of positive feedback a lot. Of people telling me the value that is shared and offered here through my video so thank you very much. I want to invite you to become a member of the community a membership website that i have created and. Theres two ways that you can do this you can do this as a participant or you can sign up.
As a benefactor if you value these videos and you are continued to get value from them one way to. Support my work in the continuation of more videos is to join the membership community again we would love to. Have you participate and you can engage in that eight-week program and in the in the its reoccurring thematic content. And we have meaningful important conversations about a whole range of topics related to relationships and attachment injuries and attachment. Trauma or if you dont necessarily want to participate but you do want to support my work you can go.
Ahead and join the membership community as well so therell be a link to do that here a url so. That you can learn more and to register again thank you for watching more videos to come just like this. Thank you.
Method 5 – The 5 Signs Your Relationship Is Over
Note – This section will be updated soon.
Conclusion – How To Accept A Relationship Is Over
The purpose of this post is to assist people who wish to learn more about the following – how to deal with a breakup through the power of acceptance, ep#094 how to accept the relationship is over, how to accept, forgive and move on after a break-up | stephanie lyn coaching, 6 signs your relationship is over, 5 ways to accept your marriage is over & cope with the change, how to let go of your relationship | tony robbins podcast, how to know your relationship is over?, deborrah cooper on women accepting when a relationship is over, accept that it’s over | trent shelton, how to accept your marriage is over: 10 signs it won’t get better, how to get over a breakup fast | jordan peterson, jordan b peterson: how to salvage a relationship, and when to end it, how to move on after a long term relationship ends, 7 signs of an incompatible relationship, accept it – the key to letting go – teal swan -.
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